Jumping Off Chairlifts: A How To Guide
It is a widely accepted statistical fact that when spending any time at a snow resort involving repeated significant changes in elevation, you will spend ten percent of your time enjoying yourself on the slopes, and the other 90, but what seems like 1000, percent of your time waiting in line or sitting on your arse in a chairlift. I believe the only reason people put up with chairlifts is that you're so bloody tired of waiting in line for the damned thing, waiting in line for food, for restrooms, even for urgent medical attention, you praise the lord when you finally get to rest on a spongy thing of some kind. But once you've realized that this huge waste of time dangling 30 feet up in the air going five miles an hour, you'll have none of it. This chairlift stuff has got to become more interesting, or it has got to go. Only helicopter tours from now on. Okay. So here's the solution.
Jump off the chairlift. Oh yes. You've held the fear in the back of your mind for far too long. Bring it out and confront it. You'll also be able to share the experience, and force the other passengers you might be riding with to confront such terror, as they watch you dangle off the chair before you plummet to the slopes below. There is a small problem with this though. Jumping off when there are others present, not jumping off period. Jumping off is perfectly fantastic. Period.
First, the mechanics of your drop: if you ski, abandon your poles. Let somebody else carry them or leave them behind completely. Jumping 20 feet through the air is cool. Getting impaled at the bottom of the leap is less cool. If you are an innovator of snow sports, a snowboarder, be sure to strap both feet in. I know, this is commonly held as blasphemy by chairlift operators everywhere, but as you will soon see, most of them are wankers anyhow. You'll thank me when you merely hairline fracture your fibula, instead of additionally snapping both tibias, smashing at least one femur, and obliterating most of your carpals. Believe me. You will thank me. Now you're ready to get into position. You should load the chairlift on the far left side. Once you're approaching your optimum drop point, which will be discussed later, grab onto the vertical part of the chairs armrest and slide you're butt off the seat. Ignore any screams of strangers who may be sitting next to you. They may grab at you to keep you from sliding off, but this only poses a real problem when you're initiating the drop as the spooked idiots may keep a tight grip on you as you plummet in the final stage. Avoid this by going at it alone, or with people you know. When you get more drops under you belt, however, there's nothing like the induced stress of a stranger to add to your experience. If you go with accomplices, have them help you by moving their weight to the left of the chair. This will dip the corner you're dropping from even more; we don't want to go for height there - the less height, the less serious danger, and it will freak out witnesses if you're dropping ten feet just as much as if you were dropping twenty five. Well, maybe. But you get the point. Now, I actually have never tested this particular technique, and it might compromise the integrity of the connection between the cable and the chair arm. Who the hell knows? So watch it. Okay. Now you're dangling. Just let go. There are many different techniques, but you essentially want to last upright, or tilted slightly downhill. Practice on monkey bars to acquire you're personal style. You cheeky monkey!
Okay. When Jumping off chairlifts, it's just like dealing in real estate. Location, location, location. And sex. Just like real estate, and sex. Actually, there are lots of parallels, but I'll save that for another issue. First concern, obviously, is a safe landing zone. Fresh powder is obviously preferable, but a thin layer of shavings is enough if other criteria is met. Be sure to get to know the surrounding area on a preceding run, as to know whether the landing area is actually powder, or hardened snow that has not been touched, so it looks like powder but is really icy death. Obviously, sapplings, untrimmed branches, rocks, and small children should all be avoided in a landing area. Slightly larger children are okay. Good for breaking falls. And don't fight back as much as adults. Or small children. The ideal topography for your landing area should involve elevation lines to be reasonably close together. For you non-topo graphiers out there, that means there should be a good slope going. Right in the middle. like 30, even 40 degree incline...if you're feeling daring. Too shallow, tibial fragments end up in your secum, too steep, you never stop falling. For the sake of your lower digestive tract, and that recurring dream of the bottomless pit that will haunt you for always, choose a good mid-range slope. Finally, wait until you're exactly between the two support poles. That way, you're weight has brought you the closes to the ground possible.
One last thing, if you're stupid enough to try this, don't. I could get in trouble when you get hurt. That being said, have fun!
Jump off the chairlift. Oh yes. You've held the fear in the back of your mind for far too long. Bring it out and confront it. You'll also be able to share the experience, and force the other passengers you might be riding with to confront such terror, as they watch you dangle off the chair before you plummet to the slopes below. There is a small problem with this though. Jumping off when there are others present, not jumping off period. Jumping off is perfectly fantastic. Period.
First, the mechanics of your drop: if you ski, abandon your poles. Let somebody else carry them or leave them behind completely. Jumping 20 feet through the air is cool. Getting impaled at the bottom of the leap is less cool. If you are an innovator of snow sports, a snowboarder, be sure to strap both feet in. I know, this is commonly held as blasphemy by chairlift operators everywhere, but as you will soon see, most of them are wankers anyhow. You'll thank me when you merely hairline fracture your fibula, instead of additionally snapping both tibias, smashing at least one femur, and obliterating most of your carpals. Believe me. You will thank me. Now you're ready to get into position. You should load the chairlift on the far left side. Once you're approaching your optimum drop point, which will be discussed later, grab onto the vertical part of the chairs armrest and slide you're butt off the seat. Ignore any screams of strangers who may be sitting next to you. They may grab at you to keep you from sliding off, but this only poses a real problem when you're initiating the drop as the spooked idiots may keep a tight grip on you as you plummet in the final stage. Avoid this by going at it alone, or with people you know. When you get more drops under you belt, however, there's nothing like the induced stress of a stranger to add to your experience. If you go with accomplices, have them help you by moving their weight to the left of the chair. This will dip the corner you're dropping from even more; we don't want to go for height there - the less height, the less serious danger, and it will freak out witnesses if you're dropping ten feet just as much as if you were dropping twenty five. Well, maybe. But you get the point. Now, I actually have never tested this particular technique, and it might compromise the integrity of the connection between the cable and the chair arm. Who the hell knows? So watch it. Okay. Now you're dangling. Just let go. There are many different techniques, but you essentially want to last upright, or tilted slightly downhill. Practice on monkey bars to acquire you're personal style. You cheeky monkey!
Okay. When Jumping off chairlifts, it's just like dealing in real estate. Location, location, location. And sex. Just like real estate, and sex. Actually, there are lots of parallels, but I'll save that for another issue. First concern, obviously, is a safe landing zone. Fresh powder is obviously preferable, but a thin layer of shavings is enough if other criteria is met. Be sure to get to know the surrounding area on a preceding run, as to know whether the landing area is actually powder, or hardened snow that has not been touched, so it looks like powder but is really icy death. Obviously, sapplings, untrimmed branches, rocks, and small children should all be avoided in a landing area. Slightly larger children are okay. Good for breaking falls. And don't fight back as much as adults. Or small children. The ideal topography for your landing area should involve elevation lines to be reasonably close together. For you non-topo graphiers out there, that means there should be a good slope going. Right in the middle. like 30, even 40 degree incline...if you're feeling daring. Too shallow, tibial fragments end up in your secum, too steep, you never stop falling. For the sake of your lower digestive tract, and that recurring dream of the bottomless pit that will haunt you for always, choose a good mid-range slope. Finally, wait until you're exactly between the two support poles. That way, you're weight has brought you the closes to the ground possible.
One last thing, if you're stupid enough to try this, don't. I could get in trouble when you get hurt. That being said, have fun!
posted by Jake Minkoff at 9:39 PM
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